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richasmukherjee.com

love, laughter, pain, joy, life and its lessons, one word at a time

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Loss

In another world, from another time

o-GRIEF-facebook

I’m guilty

Of occlusion, of forced amnesia and feigning the life of another

For in that life, I feel no loss

How can you lose someone you never had

You are then a pretty, cheery neighbour who should have lived longer. Poor thing

Made of clucks, commiserations and tepid empathy

That’s my constant endeavour now

To forget you

But I’ve lost this war before the battle blueprints were laid out

Before the cavalry of tears marched out with belligerence

Like the rain that wiggled into a reluctant rivulet and made a home in a dry never land

A resilient little bud that breached the limits of its world for one gulp of air

A shiver on a warm day

A touch, an embrace, a spice, a smile, a toothbrush, a lipstick, a speedometer and a long drive

And sometimes like an indulgent cloudburst that has no origins and no future

You drench me

Disarm me

And just like the night you blew away, you wrap me in your warmth and whisper in my ear to stop fighting, to stop forgetting

To let you in and to let myself out

The genie never came..

 

PicHad I known it was the last smile, I would have bottled it away. Filling it with sand and pebbles, sending it off on a finite voyage, till it found me again on a deserted shore, sometime, some place

Had I known it was the last caress, I would have held on, for a million minutes.
Feeling every bit of your warmth that embraced every bit of hopelessness and despair in me
Had I known you would never return to this threshold, I would etch your feet into the floor. To have a path to follow and find you by my side forever

Had I known this was the last walk, I would never stop walking into nothingness and everything, for a destination is meaningless if I don’t arrive with you
Had I known this was the last whisper, I would make a museum of your voice
So it could ricochet into the walls and back into my heart, as fluid as that symbol of infinity
Had I known this was your last breath, I would lay beside you, breathing till the end
And fill my lungs with you, never to exhale…
How I wish I had known…

Release me..


I could always tell when you were unwell, even when I was in another city.

I always knew when your heart was broken, you didn’t say much but I heard the tiny cracking sound it made.

I felt your nervousness, every time you were preparing for an exam, whether inside the classroom or outside.

Every time you stumbled, every time you picked yourself up, I danced with delight.

Will you forsake me now, only because you can’t see me?

Can you not feel my misery every time you push that plate of food away?

Don’t you feel my tears mixing with yours as you cry into the night?

Haven’t you heard my silent scream every time you say you cannot go on?

Can’t you hear me struggling to breathe when you shut the world out?

What pains me more than my empty lap is seeing you fight life everyday.

I am gone, but why do want to join me now, is there no other way?

Live my dreams, live my life, live my happiness and sorrows.

If you can’t find happiness inside, learn to steal, learn to borrow.

They say I can’t feel much but I die a thousand deaths seeing you suffer.

Release me my little one, tomorrow is a new day, and then there will be another..

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